I'm not simply sleepy and I haven't just run a half marathon. This is different than pulling an all-nighter to finish a project due in one of my college classes. This isn't like staying up late at a party over the weekend or getting up early to catch a flight somewhere.
No, this is drained zombie of a woman I've become is from having a baby.
I do still sleep. Every night. On Sunday afternoons. Once or twice during the day each week. But the sleep I'm not getting is the nice, deep REM cycle sleep. I could sleep for 12 hours each night, but because it's always broken up into three hour increments, it's never enough. I haven't deeply slept for over a month straight. Within that time the longest period of sleep I've gotten at once is four uninterrupted hours.
I expected it to be like this for a little while. There's no way around those bleary-eyed feedings every two hours for the first few weeks. But then Graham gave me hope. At just under two-months of age, he began sleeping eight hours a night! I was thrilled. And it went on like that for a couple of months.
Then he hit a growth spurt a little before he turned four-months-old. He was back to eating every two hours. I expected that to happen too, so I was ready to get little-to-no sleep again. But I wasn't ready for him not to get back into his usual sleeping habits. After he stopped eating that often all day long, I knew the growth spurt had ended. When he went four hours between feedings during the day, I was excited to finally get some sleep at night once again. But it never happened. He kept waking up every two or three hours needing to eat. So instead of waking up all night long for two weeks during that expected growth spurt most babies have, I've been doing this for over six weeks straight.
Worst of all, when I lay down to go to sleep early for a change, I can't. I physically can't fall asleep. And all I want to do is sleep.
It's been affecting everything I do. I haven't cleaned or tidied my bedroom for a while. I just don't care about it anymore. I don't cook as often as I want to because I'm too tired to even try most days. I want to comment on blogs and respond to emails right away, and I'm pretty good about it half the time. But I just don't have the energy to do it the other half of the time. I'm too exhausted to think or be sincere, and rather than be fake, I just don't write anything at all. Is that rude of me?
I guess I'd rather be a jerk than be a fake. And I have been a jerk, I'm afraid.
So I apologize if I've been mean to anyone. I'm sorry if I've been short on patience, lost my temper, been too sarcastic, made snide remarks, or neglected anyone or any of my responsibilities. Please don't think less of me for it, because in all truthfulness, I'm doing the best I can. This is all I have left to give.
I'm spending most of my energy on my husband and son. They are my highest priority, and once they have been cared for, my friends and then my acquaintances come next. I'm not even my top priority. Should I be? Well, I'm usually not. I have a hard time taking care of myself anyway. If you read that guest post I did recently you'll know why.
I hope you'll forgive me if I miss a post here and there, post late sometimes, have grammatical and spelling errors, or take a few days to reply to comments or emails. I can't do any better than my best, and I hate to give anything less to anyone I care about, you included.
But isn't he worth it?
Isn't this amazing boy worth a few months of pure exhaustion so that he can grow up with love, good moral values, happy memories, and a life of balanced work and play time?
Maybe he's not to you, but he is worth every second of sleep I have given up and will continue to give up.
I wouldn't trade it for anything--no amount of money, no amount of sleep, no other lifestyle. He's far better than any of that stuff.